My name is Allyn Lewis, and I am a suicide survivor. On November 20, 2008, just short of a month after my 18th birthday, I lost my dad to suicide. I was a senior in high school applying to colleges, getting ready to go out in the world on my own, and in one short moment, my world was destroyed. Days before it happened, I received a letter from him, nothing referring to suicide, just telling me he was sorry for our fights and reminiscing the good times we had together. In the pit of my stomach, I knew what this was. Everyone I talked to around me tried to convince me against my suspicion. I was too young and naïve to have caught the signs of my dad’s depression. His mother, my grandmother, had committed suicide when my dad was young. I doubt he ever received the help or support needed to overcome the loss. My fear was confirmed when I got off the school bus on November 20th to see my grandma’s car in front of the house. She was never there when I got home from school. I knew something was wrong. I walked in the door, and five years later, I can still here the words from mom stinging in my ears, “They found your dad.”
The minutes, hours, days, weeks, and years following his death, have brought me immense amounts of pain, depression, and intense anxiety over losing anyone else close to me. People say that it gets better as time goes on when you lose someone, but when you lose someone to suicide, it does not work that way. Every day, it still hurts just as bad as the day you found out they were gone. Losing a loved one from any cause is tremendously difficult, however, losing someone through suicide, and the fact the death involved an element of personal choice, provokes reactions, emotions, and pain different from those felt after death from illness, an accident, or natural causes.
According to U.S.A. SUICIDE: 2010 OFFICIAL FINAL DATA, roughly 38,364 commit suicide every year leaving at least 230,184 people, friends, families, and co-workers, with shattered lives left after the loss. Each suicide intimately affects at least six ‘suicide survivors,’ identified as family members and friends of a loved one who died by suicide. Despite the statistical data, a major issue is the lack of understanding, and attempt to understand, why these lives are being lost. Suicide is a mystery, and will remain one without an increase in funding and evaluative research. It is difficult to prevent suicide without knowing the fundamental facts as with many other disease and health related deaths. Awareness on suicide is limited as the subject is often avoided and hushed rather than discussed in effort towards prevention. These societal taboos create major barriers to delivering the care and support needed for individuals in a crisis, and those affected after a suicide.
Suicide is 100% preventable, and with the right funding, research, and awareness efforts, I am determined to make an impact on stopping suicide. I firmly believe that everyone has a role in preventing suicides. While nothing will ever fix the loss of my dad, I am now at a point in my life where I am ready to open up about my story and can use such a disheartening event to raise awareness for suicide prevention. I invite you to join me on my journey to create La Nuit Noire – a ball to benefit suicide awareness and prevention. The first annual event will be held on January 25, 2014 at Cefalo’s in Carnegie, PA. The night will be filled with gorgeous gowns, a couture runway show, celebrity performances, and more. I promise you an enchanted night for a unique, but worthy, cause that will leave the city of Pittsburgh speechless ensuring a lasting impact on suicide prevention and raising awareness – benefitting the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
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