“Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life. If you continue to believe as you have always believed, you will continue to act as you have always acted. If you continue to act as if you have always acted, you will continue to get what you have always gotten. If you want different results in your life or your work, all you have to do is change your mind. – Anonymous”
As the quote above so elegantly illustrates: Our beliefs are the seeds from which the fruits of our life grow. And, relationships are no exception. If you are currently not having the relationships that you desire (whether romantic, professional, familial, or friendship) then the quickest way to change your relationships is by changing yourself. Why? Well, in short, because it is absolute insanity for us to expect that we can change others without changing ourselves. It is pointless (and fruitless) to point the finger at the other person and demand change. The only element of life we consistently have mastery over is our own actions.
Blame is a big flashing neon sign that tells us we are not standing in our integrity and therefore our power. Putting the onus on them: Making it their fault. Relationships of any kind are a beautiful improvised dance. There is no choreography, just two people reacting to each other’s movements. We teach people how to treat us. Below is a step-by-step of how to go from Blaming to Bliss:
Step 1: Honor Your Truth (in every moment)
It is exceptionally difficult for most of us to be the same person in every situation. You may believe that you do this, but often you will subtly compromise yourself in varying social situations. You laugh at that rude joke your boss makes. You let it slide when your friend cancels on you instead of saying you are hurt. You say you “forgot” to pick up milk from the store instead of admitting you didn’t feel like it. You hate that your friend interrupts when you tell a story, but never say anything. You don’t feel like seeing your mother today, so you make an excuse why you can’t come to dinner. A million little lies that all add up.
Each little lie is a compromise on our integrity: Like a smudge on a mirror. We cannot expect a clear reflection in others when, essentially, we don’t think enough of ourselves to address these little daily betrayals of who we are. We teach people how to treat us in a myriad different ways each day.
Caveat for the judgmental: Integrity is not a mental exercise; it is a visceral sensation. It is a feeling of “rightness” in the body, not a story of “rightness” in the mind. When you are in your integrity, much like your authenticity, you feel freedom in your body: a sense of lightness and ease. It is highly individual and ever-changing. You cannot impose your ideas of what is right on others in the name of integrity. It may not be in your integrity to see your mother today because you need time alone. That is your truth. It may be in her integrity to want to see you: that is her truth. There is no absolute right and wrong here. So how do you deal with “conflicting” needs? Follow Step 2…
Step 2: Ask For What You Need
Often people do not act the way you want them to act because you never ask them to. You think they should know what behavior you expect. If a friend is always late, you must ask him/her to respect your time. If a partner gets cranky with you when s/he is in a bad mood, you need to ask him/her to stop using you as a punching bag for their frustrations. If a boss takes advantage of you, you must point that out immediately as it is happening and work towards a resolution. Calmly, and coolly, but without apology, you need to vocalize. This may take one time, or it may take a few, but often we don’t get what we want because we don’t ask for it. Conversely, you need to give others space to be in their integrity. If your friend feels she needs more realistic window of time to meet you, you need to give her the space to say that. Even if you only take 15 minutes to get ready, doesn’t mean she has to.
[Tweet “”Often people do not act the way you want them to act because you never ask them to.””]Caveat for the aggressor: If you behave a certain way with the expectation that you can make people do what you want, you will die alone. Ok, that might be overstating things, but really, it isn’t going to result in harmonious relationships. A need to control always comes from a place of fear, not integrity. If you are in the habit of demanding, and retaliating if you don’t get what you want, then watch out! Remember, your relationships are a reflection of your Core Beliefs: when you act from fear, you will get what you fear most.
[Tweet “”A need to control always comes from a place of fear, not integrity””]Step 3: Enforce Your Boundaries
If your partner doesn’t stop with the cranky jabs, you need to explain that you will remove yourself from the situation next time s/he is “in a mood”, and then do it. If your boss doesn’t stop talking advantage of you, make plans to leave your work environment. If your friend does not seem to make an effort to change her flakiness and it is a deal-breaker for you, then you have the choice to leave the friendship.
We need to know where our boundaries are, and we need to calmly, coolly, and respectfully enforce them. Without vitriol or anger or pettiness. Not to ‘teach others a lesson” but because we are worth it. Everyone has the will (if not the right) to act as they damn-well please, and we have the will and right to do the same. Our power lies in making decisions that are for us, not against them. If we enforce boundaries from a place of loving ourselves, then there is no hurt or anger. It is peaceful power. We do not need them to change, because we know we have control of our situation.
Caveat for the avoider: GOING TO STEP 3 WITHOUT HAVING DONE STEP 1 + 2 IS CHEATING! Setting a boundary is not the same as running away. Many people don’t have the cojones to speak up about their needs, so they bounce from one bad job/romantic relationship/hairdresser to the next, claiming victim status. This is NOT setting boundaries; it is cowardice. It is essential that you find the self-love and fortitude to SPEAK YOUR TRUTH within a situation and not just to run away from it because you are too uncomfortable to speak up. Hint: If you cannot say to a person’s face exactly what you can say behind their back, then you are avoiding speaking your truth. Our relationships are a reflection of our Core Beliefs: If you avoid confronting your issues, the same bad situations and relationships will keep finding you.
[Tweet “”If you avoid confronting your issues, the same bad situations and relationships will keep finding you””]For The Faint Of Heart
For some, even proceeding with Step 1 seems ludicrous. How can I stand in my truth? The thought of doing something so direct and so offensive to social norms is absurd! You shudder at the thought of being so rude or worse, vulnerable. For many of us, there will be at least one relationship where we are not following these steps. Maybe you are great with staying in your integrity at work, but you are passive-aggressive in your romantic relationship. Perhaps you stand in your truth romantically, but you are a pushover with your friends? Or you could be on the other end of the spectrum: an aggressive attacker that overstates your annoyance and bullies people into the behavior you want. This usually has the effect of either pushing people away or leads them to do the opposite of what you want out of spite. Or perhaps, like I was, you are just an all around people-pleasing doormat with the occasional boiling-over of frustration that leads to attack? No matter where you are stuck, the underlying Core Belief that is keeping you stuck is “I am not worthy”. So, in honor of Valentines Day, let us try a little Self-Love exercise:
When you are in a situation that is outside of your integrity, you will feel your body (especially your torso) tense up. It is that uncomfortable tightness you get when you laugh at a joke you find offensive, or hear yourself saying “Sure!” to an unappealing declaration of ”We should hang out sometime.” In these moments, you need to do nothing else except tell yourself silently: “I am worthy” “I am enough” “I love myself”. I know it seems about as relevant as smearing grape jelly on a burn, but I promise you it will subtly start to change your brain. In fact, you don’t need to wait to for an awkward encounter to say it. You can go around whispering it under your breath all day long. The more ridiculous it feels to you, the more you need it! It is kind of like Buckley’s: It tastes awful, but it works!
RELATED: Why Self-Doubt is Actually Necessary for Your Success
At the core of our relationships with others is our relationship with ourselves. If we aren’t seeing what we want in other’s behavior, we need to look at our own. As we start to respect ourselves more, we will be treated with respect. As we start to value our own time, others will value our time too. As we start to love ourselves, others will love us too. As we begin to be more honest with ourselves, others will be less inclined toward deceiving us. As we start to see our own worth, our worth will rise in other’s eyes. There is no better fix for our relationships with others than a good dose of worthiness in ourselves. Happy Valentines to you!
